Marriage "Til the Seat Stayeth Down"

I teach an adult Sunday School class on marriage and family, and every year or so we go through the traditional marriage vows and unpack the deep principles contained in them.  Considering the current state of marriage in our culture, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at this story.

Vows like "For as long as we continue to love each other," "For as long as our love shall last" and "Until our time together is over" are increasingly replacing the traditional to-the-grave vow — a switch that some call realistic and others call a recipe for failure.

"We're hearing that a lot — 'as long as our love shall last.' I personally think it's quite a statement on today's times — people know the odds of divorce," said New Jersey wedding expert Sharon Naylor (search), author of "Your Special Wedding Vows," who adds that the rephrasing is also part of a more general trend toward personalizing vows.

Naylor said killing the "death vow" doesn't mean that people don't take their marriage promises seriously. Quite the contrary.

"People understand that anything can happen in life, and you don't make a promise you can't keep. When people get divorced, they mourn the fact that they said ''til death do us part' — you didn't keep your word in church (if they had a church wedding). Some people are in therapy because they promised ‘til death do us part' — it is the sticking point in the healing of a broken marriage. The wording can give you a stigma of personal failure."

This is why Naylor prefers vows like, "For as long as our marriage shall serve the greatest good."

I wonder what training it takes to become a "wedding expert", but that's another post.

In this weak attempt to make the wedding vows "more realistic", these changes make them devoid of any meaning at all.  The purpose of a vow or promise that you is an assurance that you will fulfill your obligations regardless whether or not you "feel like it."  For example, when you sign a promissory note when you borrow money, you acknowledge that there may be a time in which you won't "feel" like writing out that check every month.  Regardless of your "feeling", you are stating that you will fulfill your financial obligations.  Your obligation does not change based on your desire or feelings - you are committed to repaying back that money whether you want to or not.

We do not promise to do things that we know we are always going to want to do.  I need not promise myself that I will enjoy ice cream.  The purpose of a promise or vow is to acknowledge that I have obligations that exist regardless of my desires or feelings.  This applies perfectly to marriage, and is the reason why the marriage vows exist in their present form.  We are acknowledging that there will be situations in which the "feelings" that are present while you are walking down the aisle may be hard to come by.

Promising to stay married as long as you feel love for another is idiotic.  Of course couples who are "in love" stay together.  Who would break up under those conditions?  On the other hand, promising to stay married through the inevitable rocky times (sickness or health, richer or poorer) is what true marital love is all about. 

The Bible uses the Greek word agape when describing the love that a married couple shares.  Agape is self-sacrificial love, the same love Christ showed for us when he gave himself up for our sins.  Having agape is loving someone regardless of their faults.  It isn't easy - and those who which to achieve it will spend a lifetime learning to imitate Christ.  It is the only love which can truly keep a marriage intact in the stormy seas of our culture. 

We have expended much energy in decreasing our expectations for this current generation.  We have gave them the message that they cannot control their sexual desires and attempted to cover it with a pile of condoms and oral contraceptives.  We have tolerated and celebrated a culture which denies objective right and wrong and teaches that their emotional well being depends on their "feelings" about themselves.  It is no surprise that have a tough time even contemplating staying with another person for life. 

Previous: Real Marital Love

See Also: Michelle Malkin

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